

fjjg answering 

THE PMO 

A FARCE 






'f'^i 



1st"" 




%Mm Elizabeth F. Gupti 




By 





Price 10 Cents 






:hicago 



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Answering the Phone 



A Farce 



By 



ELIZABETH F. GUPTILL 



Price 11 CenL 



All Rights Reserved, Amateur Performance Permitted 




265 West 36th Street, New York 14 W. Washington Street, Chicago 

Copyright IQIJ. by Tullar-M-redith Co 
International Copyright Secured 



?^ 3 






ft* 



TMP96-007J79 



5 0./£> 

JUN 26 1915 

>CI.A406455 



Answering the Phone 



Characters 



Mrs. Courtney, Miss Eleanora Courtney, her daughter; Nora 
Flanagan, the new hired girl. 

SCENE I. 

The living room of the Courtney home. Mrs. Courtney dressed 
ready for the street. She gives finishing touches to her toilet 
before the mirror, then steps to side door. 



Mrs. C. If any one calls while I am gone, Nora, say I am out. 
Make hot biscuits for tea, and open a jar of strawberries. Be 
sure to answer the phone. The last girl I had didn't know what 
a telephone was, and ignored it all the afternoon. It made me 
a lot of trouble, and I had to let her go. I will leave the door 
open so you can hear it. 

Nora. (Without. ) I'll answer it, mem, to be sure. 

Mrs. C. Very well. I'll be back before tea time, but don't tell 
any caller so. Just say I'm out. If they ask when I'll return, 
you don't know, 

Nora. Faith an' I do, thin — befoor tay time. 

Mrs. G. I mean you must tell them you don't know. Remem- 
ber, now, and be sure to answer the phone. 

(Exit Mrs. C. by other side door. In a minute, Nora appears 
from kitchen, looks toward that door.) 

Nora. Sure an' she didn't lave the outside dure opin, so it 
must be this dure she was afther manin'. So the last gurl 
didn't know what a tillyphone was, didn't she? Will, sorra a 
bit more do I, but I'll answer it if it shpakes to me, civil-like. 
It must be in this room, for this was the dure she lift open. Now 
is it a Polly Parrot, or what is it? Begorry, its Nora Flanagan 
that don't know at all, at all. Come, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly! Come 



Answering the Phone 



show yuresilf, and lit me hear the voice av yez. Where in the 
wurruld doos yez kape yersilf? Come Phony, Phony, Phony! 
Come, that's a good baste! (She has been looking everywhere. 
She now seats herself.) Stay where yez are, thin, bad 'cess to 
yez! I naden't answer yez if yez don't shpake, that's sure! 
(Phone rings; Nora jumps, with a little scream.) Sure an' I 
niver heard the durebell sound as near as that! (Exit.) (Comes 
back muttering.) Bad 'cess to thim byes! A rapping and a 
ringing and thin whin yez go to the dure, no wan bees there, at 
all, at all! (Phone rings again. Nora runs out, but comes back 
to put her head through the doorway.) Faith, an' I'll watch 
fur 'em this toime, and ketch the crathers! (Exit Nora. Phone 
rings again. Nora enters, and seats herself.) Sure, and that's 
a quare thing! That wasn't the durebell at all, at all. I thought 
it sounded in this room, but there's no bell here, at all, at all! If 
this house is haunted, its mesilf that won't stay a night in the 
place, I don't wurruk where there's witches nor ghosts, that's 
flat. (Bell rings again. Nora looks at phone.) Sure, and I 
belave it's that little box that's makin' all the noise. Perhaps 
that's the phone, now. But how can I answer it? There is no 
dure to open. (Bell rings again,) Shut up, you sassy box! I 
aint goin' to answer yez. (Bell rings again.) Well, ting-a-ling- 
a-ling, thin. Doos that suit yez? (Enter Miss Courtney, dressed 
for the street.) 

Miss G. Why Nora, didn't you hear the phone? You should 
answer it, when we are not here. 

Nora. Sure and I did answer it. 

Miss G. Who was it? 

Nora. Who was it? The Ould Harry himsilf, I belave. He 
kipt a ringin' and a ringin' but niver a wurrud did he say. 

Miss C. That's queer! (Bell rings again, Miss C. goes to phone. 
Nora watches curiously.) 

Miss G, Hello! Yes That's too bad Something 

wrong with the line, maybe. The girl said she answered 

I'm sorry, but I'm just going out, and I must go the other way. 

Tell her I'll run in tomorrow Yes Goodbye. (Hangs 

up receiver.) Now if it rings again, Nora, answer it. I'll be 
back to tea, but don't say so to any one. Don't know. Just 
say I'm out, and that you'll give any message. 

Nora. I will do that same. (Miss C. goes out.) 

Nora. So that box is the tillyphone, is it? Quare things they 
have in Americky little rooms that goes up or down with 



Ansivering the Phone 



yez, pieanny's that play thfmselves, trumpets that sing at yez, 
and boxes that talk to yez! (Bell rings.) There goes the thing 
again. Well, she put this to her ear, and talked through this. 

Hello! It's niesilf Sure and it isn't. It's number 12 

Maple Avenue, Mrs. Coortney's house Yis, I'm the gurrul, 

Nora Flanagan No, she's not at home, she's gone out, and 

the young lady too Sure, and she said she would be home 

at taytime Oh, begorra, she said I wasn't to know whin she'd 

be home. I'll give her a message if yez like Who did you 

say? Oh, yis, Mrs. Donahue No? Oh, Mrs. Van Houton? 

Is that roight? Yis, I'll tell her yez hollered through the 

little box, but I'll not tell her yez called, for yez didn't. I niver 
set eyes on yez. I can lie, if I must, for my misthress, but I 

shan't lie to her Yis, goodbye to yez. (Hangs up receiver.) 

Sure and I did that in foine shtyle. It's Nora Flanagan can 
learn the Yankee ways. Now where was that woman, I wonder? 
And how did I hear the voice av her so plain? It's witchcraft, 
I do belave. Sure, and I'll ask the praste, nixt toime I go to 
confession, if it's all roight fer a good gurrul to middle with, If 
not, I shan't answer the crather anny more, (Bell rings.) 

There it goes again. (Takes down receiver.) Hello! Yis, 

it's Nora, sure No, there's no one ilse here Sure, it's a 

good hand yez are at coortin, but how do yez know how pretty I 

am? Yis, av coorse it's Nora Odd? Yis, maybe. Yez 

own sounds odd, too Yis, I caught it, but I don't care to 

have me ears kissed Do I, now? Well I'm not sure Yis, 

I'll tell yez tonight, if yez come The theayter? Sure I will 

that same And a little supper, did yez say, aftherwards? 

I'll be there No, it's no freak, it's the right voice av me 

Yis, I do thin, a little Well, goodbye thin, me dear Yis, 

at eight, goodbye. (Hangs up receiver.) To think I've got me 
a beau, so soon, and I've niver set eyes on him, nayther. 
Reginald! It's a pretty name, that it is. Whin did he see me, 
I wonder? (Primps before glass.) Well there's lots of Yankee 
gurruls not so good looking as Nora Flanagan. I must hurry 
up the tay, and be riddy whin me young man gits here. Bedad, 
I'll be guessing he's the perliceman that told me the way here. 
He was a foine looking man, to be sure, and Irish, by his look 
and brogue, but not by the name av him. Reginald! Real foine 
it sounds! (Exit into kitchen.) 



(CURTAIN) 



Answering the Phone 



SCENE IT. 

(Same setting as before. Mrs. C. and Miss C. just being let in 
by Nora.) 

Mrs. 0. And did any one call for me while I was out, Nora? 
Nora. No mem, a Mrs. Donahue hollered through the telly- 
phone, and wanted me to say she called, but she niver came 
near the dure at all, at all. She didn't seem to want nothin' 
but to know what number this was, and what my name was. 
Rather sassy, she was, I thought. 

Mrs, G. Mrs. Donahue? I don't know any Mrs. Donahue. 

Nora. Sure and I thought she didn't know yez, all the toime, 
mem. She jist wanted to holler through the little bellbox. 

Mrs. G. Is tea ready? 

Nora. It is, mem. 

Miss C. And did any one call for me, at the door or the phone? 

Nora. Niver a sowl, Miss, (to Mrs. C.) Plaze mem, may I 
have me avenin' out tonight, instid av tomorry? 

Mrs. C. Why, I don't know. Why? 

Nora. It's invited out I am, by me young man, mem. 

Mrs. C. But you told me you had no followers. 

Nora. No more I did, thin, but I hev one now. He called me 
on the phone, and I said I'd go. I must, mem, if I lose me 
place. 

Mrs. G. What does he do, Nora? 

Nora, He's a perliceman, I belave, mem, and he has a swate 
way av making love over the phone. Sure, and I didn't know 
yez could kiss through those little boxes. 

31iss V. Oh! But where is he going to take you, Nora? 

Nora. To the theayter, and a bit av a supper aftherwards, 
Miss. May I go, mem? 

Mrs. G. But who is he, Nora? 

Nora. Me beau, mem, 

Mrs. 0. What is his name, I mean? 

Nora. His Christian name is Reginald, mem. 

Mrs. G. His last name? 

Nora. I fergit, exactly, mem. 

Miss G. (Suspiciously.) Are you sure it was you he called? 



Answering the Phone 



Nora. And who else should it be? He called me Nora darlint, 
and made love over the phone in great shape. Sure, and he's 
to git his answer tonight, so I must go. 

Miss C. Mamma! It was Reginald! He always calls me Nora. 

Nora. Is that yez name? 

Miss C. It's Eleanora. 

Nora. Well, it's mesilf that don't want yez beau, but nayther 
kin yez hov moine, I'll tell yez what I'll do We'll both be 
riddy at eight, and bedad, he kin choose betwixt us. 

Mrs. G. Do you mean to say, Eleanora, that he would dare 
court you over the phone? 

Miss C. Well, he might. See here, Nora, I'll show you my 
Reginald's picture, and if that's the one that comes, bring him 
in and call me. If not, you may have him. Is that fair? (Shows 
photo.) 

Nora. Sure and if that's the man, yez kin have him and 
wilcome. It's no city dude loike that, that Nora Flanagan 
wants. But bedad, if it is him, yez'll hev to say yis or no this 
noight, for I promised him through the little phone that yez 
would. Good luck to yez, Miss, and good luck to me, too. If 
I've made a mis larrago this toime, mebbe the little bellbox'll 
bring me a good Irish beau yit. Come out to tay, and thin 
bedad, we'll both git ready for our beaux, and good luck to the 
both av us. Sure and it's great fun answering the phone anny- 
how. (She goes out, followed by the others.) 



&& 




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yssacwgs23Z3aavS 



THE VISION 
OF HENSEL 



ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMED HYMNS 

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This is a particularly fine produc- 
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fourteen full figure halftone illustrations will be found an excellent help. 

The music is very complete. The regular hymn tune is printed for mixed voices; also an original quartet for voices of 
women and an original setting for voices of men and an original duet for soprano and alto by J. S. Fearis, thus furnish- 
ing a variety of music found in no other puolication of this sort. Price, 40 cents postpaid. "Not sent on examination." 

IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR. Posed under the direction of Eleanor H. Denig. This pantomime will 
be particuarly interesting during the winter season for a twelve-minute addition to church or other entertainments. 
The directions are very elaborate, enabling any person to prepare the same successfully. The music is very complete, 
consisting of a, hymn tune for mixed voices; an original setting for voices of both women and men: also a very fine duet 
soprano and alto; the latter by Chas. H. Gabriel. Price. 40 cents per copy postpaid. "Not sent oa examination.'' 



New YorK 



TULL AR-MEREDI TH CO 



Chicago 



NEW PLA^ 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




By Elizabeth F. Guptill 
The School at Mud HoIaow. A burlesque in I 
Females. Time about 2 hours. Price 35 cents. 

PART I. In which is portrayed the difficulties en 016 103 811 8 
Pinkham, who has come to "Mud Hollow" to assume me respuu&iuio 
duties of "Teacher" in the school. In selecting 'Mud Hollow" she seeks a 
change from the city life she is accustomed to, and finds plenty of it in the 
manners, customs and dialect of the pupils. From start to finish there is 
nothing but fun. 

PART II. Which represents the last day at the school, when the proud 
parents are present to listen to the final examination of the class by the 
Supervisor and enjoy the program which is rendered by the pupils. Part 
II. offers an opportunity for about 60 minutes of the finest fun possible. 
"The School at Mud Hollow" may be given in one evening, but for those 
who would prefer to make two evenings of it, or to give only one part, we 

offer the same work announced below under the title of "The New Teacher at Mud Hollow 

School' and "The Last Dau at Mud Hollow School" either of which can be given as a 

complete entertainment without regard to the other one. 

The New Teacher at Mud Hallow School. Being Part I. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 

6 Males and 14 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 

The Last Day at Mud Hollow School. Being Part II. of THE SCHOOL AT MUD HOLLOW. 

8 Males and 19 Females. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 

Santa's Rescue 

Two mysterious pieces of paper fall into the hands of the children, one 
being found by the BOYS and one by the GIRLS. The meaning of the in- 
scription on each remains a mystery until it is discerned that by placing 
the papers together they have the message that the "Old Witch" of the 
North has captured "Santa" and holds him in an ice prison at the North Pole. 
Of course there could be no "Merry Christmas" without their "patron saint", 
so guided by the "Fairy Godmother" they start for the North Pole to rescue 
him. The "Old Witch" endeavors to block the rescuers' way by the as- 
sistance of "Old Zero" and the "Snow Fairies" but when they learn that 
the snow drifts they are piling up are to aid in keeping "Santa" from his 
usual Christmas activities they get the "Sunbeam Fairies" to come to their 
aid and melt the snow, while they bind with a frozen cord the "Old Witch," 
who is found indulging in a nap which she takes only once every hundred years. 
Witch" powerless and in their control the Rescue of Santa is an easy matter. 
Tho' belated somewhat by his enforced stay at the North Pole, the children are glad to become 
his "aides" in spreading a "Merry Christmas" through all the world. This is a very clever plot, 
well worked out, and will make a decided hit for the Christmas season. 4 Boys and 5 Girls with 
any number of Fairies. Time about 1 hour. Price 25 cents. 




With the "Old 




FARCES 



Taking the Census. Mr. Cole, the Census Taker, has a funny experience 
in an attempt to gather the facts required by the government from Mrs. 
Almira Johnson, a "cullud lady," and her young son Alexander. Three 
characters only. Time about 10 minutes. Price 10 cents. 

Answering the Phone. Mrs. Courtney and her daughter have a most try- 
ing experience with Mora Flanagan, the new "hired girl," who in then- 
absence attempts to carry out the instructions given with special reference 
to "answering the phone." The final situation in which Nora makes a date 
with Miss Cturtneys "intended" is ridiculous in the extreme. 3 females. 
Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. 

The Twins and How They Entertained the New Minister. They have a 
del ghtful t n.e telling family secrets to the "New Minister," who has 
called for the first time. They explain the necessity of seeing their mother 
to find out from her if she is "In," for so often she is "Out" when she is "In" and "In" when she 
is "Out." 2 Males and 1 Female. Time about 15 minutes. Price 10 cents. 
NO ENTERTAINMENTS SENT "ON EXAMINATION" 



